We’re comparing and contrasting in this blog series the current cultural views and practices in marriage with the Christian portrait of marriage as presented in the Bible.  Today, we look at initiative and motivation in the way that a marriage relationship is daily cultivated.  Who is responsible to take the lead in the fostering of the relationship and how does the other respond to it?

In today’s post-Christian times, as you watch popular television shows and movies (many depict this, so none of them will be singled out), the current attitude is, “whoever wants to go first in an age of egalitarian function, please do so.”  The idea conveyed is that there should be freedom of initiation with pragmatic expression and creativity seen in a relationship.  Whatever you want to do to/for the other partner, feel free to do it.

That sounds well and good, but oftentimes the devil is in the details.  Eventually, the problem surfaces in the motivation to initiate.  In this self-centric, me-first culture, many times the motivation to give comes with the expectation of “equal response and return.”  In other words, “if I scratch your back, I hope (more like, “YOU’D BETTER!“) scratch mine.”  In this setup, the prevailing philosophy reveals individual pragmatism, or what Ethics Professor Alasdair MacIntyre calls “egoism.”  In initiating love and tenderness towards the other person, if I EXPECT to receive retroactive love in return, my motivations for giving are skewed.

In contrast, the biblical portrait of marriage presents the initiative squarely on the shoulders of the husband who patterns his love-giving from the agape-driven, altruistic sacrifice of Christ for the church.  As the husband understands and passionately pursues his wife (following the description given by the apostle Paul in Ephesians 5:25-33) with an altruistic giving (focused solely on her well-being with no expectation of reciprocation), his invigorated wife responds with an honoring respect that revitalizes his continued, ongoing, passionate pursuit of her.  The cultivated result from this sacrificial, loving-initiative-honoring-respect-rotation creates what marriage author Emerson Eggerichs calls the love and respect “energizing cycle”).  Recommended resource: Love and Respect by Eggerichs.

What are some tangible ways that a husband can show altruistic love to his wife so that she sees and feels the effect of his initiating love?  In some respects, every wife is different in what she prefers; however, there are some specific principles that are universally-applicable because of the way God made husbands and wives to engage each other in the marriage relationship.  In many marital counseling sessions through the decades, I have seen firsthand how wives want a sense of soul-intimacy, understanding, and loyalty from their husbands.  They want to be treated like fine china, a treasure of great value and esteem, one that is beautiful and valuable in the husband’s eyes and heart.  She wants sympathy and understanding, oftentimes not expecting the husband to “solve” her issues and problems, but rather desiring her husband to show genuine interest and empathy with her plight.  This kind of dedicated attention goes a long way in making her feel like someone that is precious and worthy, a soul of great value and importance not only in God’s sight, but also in her husband’s heart.

The Scriptures present the relationship-initiative in the marriage covenant squarely on the husband’s side, calling him to sacrifice, to shepherd, to nurture, to serve, to give, to instigate and to lead altruistically his wife in ways that benefit her life spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically.  When she sees and feels this kind of sacrificial, shepherding kind of love—exampled by the agape-love that Jesus Christ showed to His church—she responds with an energizing respect that invigorates his life with honor, dignity, self-worth, and manliness.  As he leads her with tenderness for her personal well-being, she exudes a pride and goodness back to him that boosts his self-image and personal confidence.  All this happens when the husband takes seriously his call from God to be the shepherding, initiating, altruistic leader of his marriage relationship.

With over three decades of pastoral experience and observation, I have seen that if this biblical pattern (a husband’s sacrificial-altruistic-initiation for his wife) is faithfully demonstrated, he lives to be a happy man most, if not all, the days of his life.  And not only does his wife, but in many instances, his children and others see and feel the benefits also.